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Critique my LP! (42)

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I built this LP to promote True.com on a fitness related site. It's done pretty well but I am not a copywriter by any means. I would love if someone could critique it for me and offer some tips!

Here it is:


LMK what u think!

I'm really looking for a good starting point to improve upon, but with tips from a more experienced copywriter.

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first thing i can think of is "1,482 girls in shape near you" i think it will be better if you used Maxmind Geo ip script so it will be "1,482 girls in shape in NewYork"

also you can add a timer

and you can also split test the girl image use something with more "boobs"

and also what is your CTR now ?

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How about the Headline and Bullet points?

Should they be shorter, more urgent, more extreme claims? Most LPs i saw on POF were just crazy, some were blatantly false.

CTR is 20% only.

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20% ctr is way to low man for pof, you need to shoot for 40% at the very min.

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hey man , you promote this on POF ??

i though LI

20% on LI is good but for POF its way too low

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Whats LI?

This is not promoted on POF. It's not even a self serve platform. Think of it more like a sponsored Tweet. The traffic is interested in fitness chicks, all dudes, and probably single. Completely cold traffic.

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that looks boss! are the images clickable?

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The whole LP is an image, so yea.

I can't code html, so i just whipped that up in photoshop as a test. the LP is just that image in an iframe

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good idea

btw LI is lead impact , its PPV network

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Some changes I would make:

1482 in shape girls online near you are searching for men 18+ that can appreciate their bodies. to >There are 1,482 gym hotties online near you looking for men 18+ that are interested in fitness.

- All female members are real. No fake accounts!

- 1000's of beautiful women who take care of they bodies.

- It's like Facebook, but only for only single girls and guys.

- Based on reports, it is extremely likely you will receive a response from a girl within in 24 hours of joining.

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Make sure you edit "close" to "close".

Call to action. Try use "Apply Now" or "Get Started".

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Why did you move the "online now" on the 3 image of the girl to the bottom? It should be consistent.

The quote looks like it's floating and not linked to the girl above. It should be in the same border as the image above, and left aligned starting from where the image above starts.

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You started trying to make the lander look like True.com by using the menu bar at the top. Why didn't you keep the true.com style? Stick to blues, whites and pinks like here http://www.true.com/Default.htm.

Keep that flow yo.

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SICK advice Mr Green! Exactly what i was looking for. Gunna make those minor changes and see what happens.

Here is the offer LP http://www.join-true.com/bea_lp.php? I can switch up the color scheme for sure to make it look more similar.

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Great LP in my opinion, I would just add a countdown timer and that's about it...is that an image or are is it actually HTML?

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Looks good but get some HTML going. If you cant code hire someone from fiverr to do it for you. After all its only $5 and you can only benefit from it.
Right now your missing out on using scripts like geo ip, countdown timers etc..

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The LP feels a bit crowed. But that might not be a make or break thing. I think split testing the CTA and the headline will yield the easiest CVR increase. So i'd start there first.

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Sweet so use the same background as they do, then add all your elements on top.

Good luck!

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This is a really decent offer, works on Pof and FB well. good choice

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Do u know who else has it besides PKM?

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This is probably a good place to start http://affbuzz.com/offerbuzz/

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In my limited experience PKM's is the best converting. Out of maybe 3-5 other networks. Noticeably higher on both platforms. In both US & CA.

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RevenueAds is the only one who has it direct. Everyone else is brokering it through them. Go to RevenueAds and you should be able to negotiate the highest payout if you can do volume.

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Hey great tip!! Didn't know revads was direct w/that offer.

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I would split test your headlines. If you run on PPV at all add audio to it.

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Ok lets make this thread a little more interesting. I personally don't mind if anyone rips these LPs, if you can make em work - GO FOR IT.

But after taking everyone's advice, (Mr. Greens) most likely, check out my new lander. I already tested it! Do you think it did better or worse than the original? I ran 788 clicks to it guess the CTR, and offer CVR!

Here it is:

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New LP looks a lot cleaner, my guess is it performed a fair amount better then the old LP
Am I correct?

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Looks really good. Matches the offer page. I would say 45% CTR?

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Haha looking at it now...I'm thinking it MIGHT of possibly done worse.

Based on the reason it looks more professional, less amateur. I didn't think your original lander was that bad, it just needed to be tweaked a bit.

I would be interested to hear which did best. You changed a tonne of factors. Imagery, call to action, layout, it will be tough to figure why one did better than the other with out split test a variation at a time.

Tell us!!!

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Ok guys i'll end the suspense haha!

Mr. Green your assumptions were RIGHT! It actually performed worse! Sure it looks nicer, but the overall Conversion rate dropped pretty significantly. CTR remained about the same.

Here are the official numbers

New LP - Clicks = 7xxx, CTR ~24%, Leads=12, CVR ~6.5%, Rev = $51.60
Old LP - Clicks = 568, CTR ~24%, Leads=14, CVR ~9.9%, Rev = $60.2

My guess is that the LP is just too clean and not as eye grabbing/attention getting as the other one. Honestly I thought it would perform better because it would almost trick the user into joining. I even tried to find a similar looking girl.

Here are a few things that the New LP DOES NOT have, that the old one did. I should run another test and add them to see if it makes a difference...

-Social Proof = there is no more quote under the picture
-Authority = there is no "As Seen On Google, Yahoo, Bing"
-Final Scarcity Push = The old LP had at the bottom said "Hurry before the good ones are gone", this has nothing
-Extra pictures of girls "Online" = Personally i don't think that's a huge factor
-The girl in the image is Hot, but shes not really that fit, the old LP has a girl in a gym, with a more toned body

Tomorrow i'll edit the page and add in everything except the profile pictures at the bottom and see what happens.

One other thought i had was the layout, it's obviously switched with this new LP, not sure how critical that would be tho.

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Try add this in the mix too.

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^^^ Performance of the above LP ^^^^

590 Clicks
156 Clicks
26% CTR
11 Leads
~7% CVR
$47.3

so in summary it had a higher CTR, bit of a higher CVR than the True Copy Cat, but lower CVR than the original. My guess is that the "Sign Up Now 100% Free to See Fit Girls Near You" CTA makes a pretty hefty difference on CVR rate. The final scarcity push of "Hurry before the good ones are gone" might give a bit of a boost as well.

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Nice findings yeah do a split with the original CTA and the scarcity message.

Maybe the "view matches now" CTA didn't work well because it's on the offer page too, which might make people feel like they haven't progressed since moving from the lander to the offer.

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New Update With Original CTA and Scarcity


587 Clicks
130 Clicks
22%
9 Leads
~6.9% CVR
$38.7


Lower CTR same CVR!!!!!! WTFFFF haha

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Might i suggest A/B testing a completely different style of pre-sell. Is this POF? I'm not one to assign much 'weight' to the LP CTR but on a male demo at POF <25% is very low, at least in my experience. Of course if you CR if off the heezy with that low CTR who cares but your CR is low too. Is this right, 6 Cent EPC? If you want to know a few other styles of LP that will likely perform better PM me bro!

BTW, I could be wrong, often I am wrong but your LP (the one directly above) is wayyyyyy too crowed and complicated. We all do it starting out..I think. In copywriting courses you will find that SHORT, Simple and UGLY work a lot better in most cases.

For you I have a gift. Its a PDF with the Top 230 Magic Copywriting words to Explode Sales and Revenue.
You can use these words/phrases in Adcopy and Landing Pages

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boobies are a must.

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OK...First of all I don't know your ads, but probably it is somelike like:

Would you like to meet a fitness girl
Want a fit girlfriend?
Like fitness babes?

In that case your headline isn't OK. You only repeat what you already asked.

"Want a fit girlfriend" YES MAN... I love those hot fitness chicks...let's click!

Headline: "Would you date a Gym hottie?" Ehhh YES...I already 'clicked' I want to meet such a girl...Why ask again?
I think you lose a lot of guys there.

Then your CTA...I think it´s hidden to low...I would put it below the 4 bullits.
I think there isn't enough space inside the button...


The chick on the right...I don´t think she is so hot. I would put some thumbs on the right and remove the three small ones on the left.
I would just put a green or red dot in the thumbs instead of online/offline.

But hey....I am a noob

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This is a good thought i think i'm going to try it. For the record i was using text like "Date a Gym Hottie"

Does anyone else agree with Patje's point of view? Is reiterating the same question twice a big mistake?

What should i make it say? I was thinking something like this for headlines..

Date a Gym Hottie -->

1. Attention! Men 18+ Needed
2. Gym Hotties Seeking Men 18+ in Your Area
3. 1,483 Gym Hotties Online In Your Area ... (would change up the sub heading)
4. Fit Women Need More Attention (i like this one, just edited the post to add it)

Another thing I'm wondering is his do u narrow down an angle?

Like I'm thinking of something like. Fit women are tired of their lazy bfs. Now looking for active fit men.

I really like the angle but I keep thinking, what if the guy isn't fit or active? He's most likely not. Would that peak his curiosity enough to still join?

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I'd tighten up the subhead and take out the "18+ that are". It's too passive.

In fact, I'd shorten the copy to the following (pick a verb and an adjective):

There are X,XXX gym hotties online in [City] looking/seeking/desiring/wanting active/athletic/fit men

Also, use contractions. Write like people speak - "I'll" instead of "I will", "You'll" instead of "You will".

In #3, take out the "only". In fact, always take out the words ending in "-ly". Adverbs have no place in copywriting.

In #4, same thing, take out the "extremely likely", correct the misspelling - "receive". ( I before E except after C), change "you will" to "you'll", and take out the "of joining".

Indefinitely is misspelled in the warning...

In the photo caption, it should read "...finding a guy who appreciates..."

For the button CTA, why not change the "Now" to "NOW!

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OK so keeping with the Theme, i just tested this lander and it did WAY better. Next i'm going to switch up LPs completely, but maintain a similar copy. It will be a rules/pic heavy LP

Anyway, here is the LP i just tested & numbers Amazing what the headline can do!




1037 Clicks to LP
24% CTR
250 Clicks to Offer
12.4 % CVR
31 Leads
$133.00
.13 EPC

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Headlines and the picture make the biggest difference. Have you tried split-testing with different girls? Same caption, but with different girls?

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Hey I just jumped in this discussion at the last page now ...

Here's some advice:

1. Take the girl's pic you're using and rotate it horizontally -- so that her body posture is FACING the text that you want people to read (this will make the eye path hit the hot chick then follow her body language and "What's she's looking at" to your copy -- increasing readership)

2. Test a hotter/bigger boobed girl like someone said.
(Ok, so I started to go to google to type in "fitness chicks" and right away there are a bunch of tumblr blogs with fit chicks in them ... then I started to mindlessly click around and get WAY TOO DISTRACTED and started thinking about things that aren't business related. So I won't search for you but look for:

-- girls that look real (the one you have is pretty real looking, just sayin' no obvious looking models)
-- girls with big boobs
-- or girls with some other "standout" thing -- like if she had retarded ripped abs and decent tits that might work cause it might make you do a double take. Whatever, I'm just guessing

3. That's all my thoughts for now, the dude above gave some good advice about contractions, etc in the running copy.

Keep it up!

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Great developments man!

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I'd listen to this guy - he worked with Gary Halbert. Go to www.thegaryhalbertletters.com, and search for his name. It'll show up in a couple of the newsletters...

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Hey Guys,

Just want to make sure nobody is giving me UNDUE credit.

I am NOT that Caleb. That is Caleb O' Dowd. I do know Caleb, we are pretty decent friends (the Irish bastard

But that's not me.

Yes it's a weird coincidence -- I've met like all of a 1 or 2 "other" Calebs in my life and it just so happens that there is another "name" Caleb in copywriting.

I was interviewed on Clayton Makepeace's blog once:

(unfortunately Clayton stopped his blog but this is an archive of it I found just now: http://www.zoominfo.com/CachedPage/?...stName=Osborne )

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