Home > Technical & Creative Skills >

---

Please critique my sales page (26)

---

Hey all

I've been trying to get more funnels for my eccom stores working on Google Ads to diversify away from FB. When testing FB landing pages on google, I've found they work horribly. So I've been trying to do some research into what is currently working on Google at the moment.

This is what I've come up with. https://promotion.harmonichealth.co....thritis-foods/

Would love some critque from experienced copywriters.

So that some might get something out of the post, I'll also be posting my google ads stats.

All the best.
Franky

---

Great stuff!

I wouldn't call myself an expert copywriter and I certainly wouldn't claim I could do better (it's excellent), but I don't mind throwing out some third party ideas if you're looking for them.

Here's the things that popped out at me:

-I really like the background image parts, especially on the bottom half, definitely causes me to stop and read those sections, same with the fact that bottom has more contrast between the interstitial blocks/backgrounds or whatever you call them.

-The headline on the top has all but two words capitalized, I might just capitalize the remaining two, in my opinion that creates less 'friction'. Could also make the top headline more exciting/controversial/provocative/curiousity-inducing perhaps, but that really depends on your target audience, which I know nothing about.

-Maybe add a couple text 'boxes' that pop out that contain the biggest highlights you're trying to get across, for the skimmers who land on the page and won't read every word.

-I really like that the paragraphs are short - I see a lot of advertorials/offer pages with giant paragraphs and I almost always skip past those.


But yeah, great stuff! As I said I don't think I could do better, just throwing out ideas for fun

---

Let me drop a few ideas too.

1. The header image, I would use a different one. It's about joint pain, be more graphic with the image. Google shows plenty of good images that you could use to make a mockup from : https://www.google.com/search?q=join...=1920&bih=1127

2. The LP is missing some trust elements right at the top. I mean, this is about a medical issue, in order for me to trust the text, I need to see some medical logos close to the top. You know how they mimick medical journals for example? Something like that.

3. The page is quite long, how about some hyperlinks with the titles for each section? Like a table of content or index, somewhere in a side column.

4. I would also test a version with more images of the product and also show them earlier without having to scroll this much. I understand you didn't want to be too pushy with the product, but definitely test this.

5. I see some things in the copy that I believe are not grammatically correct, mind you that I'm not EN native, so I might be wrong.

For example :

01. Sugar - First I'm going to show you why it's bad, then I'm going to show you how you can eat it anyway. Harvard researches recently revealed that the more sugar men with osteoarthritis drink (I'd say consume), the more likely the condition is to get worse. Even though the increased consumption of sugar is linked to weight gain, a known risk factor for osteoarthritis (this sentence doesnt seem to make sense). The link was true regardless of the weight. This suggests that the sugar itself may be responsible for the worsening of arthritis.

This may seem like this is a list of 5 foods (shouldn't be here I guess) most delicious foods you should not eat.

So much from me for now, let's see whether we get more input from others

---

Most of what matuloo said. Not sure if the 'Recommed' typo in the headline is intentional or not. I've seen it used before, so I won't judge if it's on purpose.

CTA is good. Page flow is good. Should break up the color more, like everything after 'Inflammation Fighting Ingredients' where bg color changes.

Could use more visuals.

Rare disagree. Less hyperlinks and index the better. Only clickable things should be CTA. The rest should focus entirely on the copy. I'd even remove the link from the header logo, but that's just me

I'm not a ZA native, but I do speak English natively, and there are a lot of weird grammar and spelling things going on. You may want to have a native speaker check it.

Other than that, you're on the right track, I think.

For tons more examples, look at the main landers for evergreen Clickbank products (health, diet, exercise ebooks). There is a lot of solid copy going on there.

---

Most of my LPs are quite short, so when I see a long one like this, something in my brain just looks for an index But i'm glad you shared a totally different opinion, the more views the better and I definitely agree with the point that pretty much all clickable links on and LP should actually lead to an offer! Would be interesting to see the results of a split test, with and without an index, would love to see how much it would affect the final results.

---

Long form sales is a different beast. Great IM dude (stm veteran actually) on Twitter @tahmmygiovanni just said something about this recently:
”With long form copy...

Where you put the CTA is extremely important


CTA too early can
- Reduce CR%
- Reduce AOV


It might feel weird to put the first "buy button" after 7,000+ words of text


But its been proven over and over (assuming copy is good)...


That later CTA wins”

---

It makes sense in a way though, the long copy is there for a reason so you need to give the prospect enough time to read it and get hooked on the offer. Push the product too soon and they will be turned away as it's clear advertising Quite the contrary to what I'm usually doing indeed

I love it how there are so many different approaches in AM, it's so diverse

---

Thanks for the input Jack! Made some of your changes. I capitilized all words in the headline. And good point about the text box. I've made a note on that and will probably get around to testing that soon.

With regards to a different headline.

I was thinking of testing some of these...
"Eat This, Never Feel Arthritis Pain Again?"
"75-Year-Old Marathon Runner Reveals A Top Secret Way to Reverse of Arthritis...Extremely Fast!"
"75-Year-Old Marathon Runner Recommend All South Africans Eat These 10 Delicious Foods That Could Reverse Arthritis And Joint Pain Quickly"

Just some headlines I've been considering. Any favorites?

And thanks again man. I appreciate the input.

---

Thank you Matuloo!

I've made the changes you recommend. What do you think of the new image header?

Also, I've added a series of medical symbols. Is this what you meant? I must say, even when I land on the page now it looks so much more "medical."
https://promotion.harmonichealth.co....thritis-foods/

Another recent change I made is I added an email opt-in for the R50 OFF. The reason being is because I felt like the offer lacked scarcity. So I'm trying to hammer that scarcity with an email sequence. What do you think about this new change?

And thanks for picking up those grammar issues. I can't believe you actually read it word for word! It helps a lot!

---

Dude I completely missed that Typo. I wish I could say it was intended lol. All fixed now. Thanks for the feedback. I'll have to go over all my copy the Grammarly. I tried to make the copy more conversational than I'm used to. So could have messed the grammar up a bit.

---

Thanks all for the feedback. It's so nice to wake up in the morning and have a ton of valuable advise I can take action on.

Changes made:
1. Added Trust Symbols
2. New Header Image
3. Fixed grammar etc.
4. Increased scarcity by adding email opt in for a discount code. Followed by email sequence. Gain-logic-fear. (I'm not sure if this was a good idea? reason I've decided to do this is because I'm getting a lot of add to carts and only had 1 sale. With FB traffic I generally get a sale every 2.4 add to carts with this email opt in strategy. So far with this landing page with google traffic, I've had 8 add to carts, with 1 sale. Which is wildly different to FB. My gut tells me it's because I didn't have any scarcity in the offer before. Before I let the traffic just click over to the product page.)

Results so far:
Spent: $78
Add to carts: 8
Purchases: 1
ROAS: 0.5

Someone has also recently told me, in copy "WHAT you say, is more important than HOW you say it." So I'm spending most of my focus on the angle, because I believe it will make the biggest impact.

After I've tested 3 or 4 angles, I'll start split testing the elements on that lander to fine tune it. Is my though process correct?

Here is my latest angle I launched yesterday [...] https://promotion.harmonichealth.co.za/claw-herb/. I'm eager to see how it performs against this one.

Franky

---

Just scanning that page, I can already say it's a billion times better

But let's see what the split tests show.

Oh, and email sign up -> discount is always good. One great way to implement this (if not already), instead of a thank you page for signing up, I would redirect them to the offer with its discount code displayed; this is to keep the flow and not make them check their email for a special code and come back. If they don't add to cart or buy, they're signed up for the list and you can get them on a soft sale later during the email sequence.

Anyway, it will be interesting to hear the results!

---

Yup, I also think the page looks much better now, great job!

Yes, this is what I had in mind, IMO it looks much better now

A discount can definitely help the sales, but there is much more you can try, not just discounts. Check this recent thread for inspiration: https://stmforum.com/forum/showthrea...s-about-prices

---

Thanks guys! Will let them both run for a week then will post the results.

So far this version got a sale on day one with a small budget for like $10. https://promotion.harmonichealth.co.za/claw-herb/ So it's already outperforming this version https://promotion.harmonichealth.co....thritis-foods/

But could be false hope. Time will tell.

Thanks all again!

Will revert back again soon.

---

1 sale can be misleading, do not make the mistake of basing any decisions on it. Even though it might be a better LP, you need more data to say that with confidence, give it time

---

Ah yes, the good ol' lottery conversion!

Be careful with those. You get one sale, and then blow through 10 times the original budget trying to get the second, lol

Although, sometimes I wonder... what if I intentionally aimed for lottery sales and shut off the camp and started a new one and waited for that first, quick lottery sale?

Nah... that can't possibly work...

---

@matuloo Definitely bud. It's happened so many times. But after so many years I still can't help getting excited when I get that 'lottery sale', as jaybot would call it. lol.
@jaybot haha, it's happened to me about 60% of the time... every time! lol.

---

Since we are talking about "lottery" sales I've seen it happen so many times, especially when testing a new offer... sometimes I'm tempted to simply setup a campaign where I would rotate dozens of offers, wait for a lead for each of them, then pause those that converted already ... sometimes it really looks like advertisers have some sort of systems in place that credit you with a lead early after the traffic starts, just to motivate you to send more traffic

---

Lol, I've thought about trying the same thing on FB. Seems like FB always gives us some low hanging fruit when just launching. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they have those systems in place as an incentive...

---

"Get Pain Relief Here or Your Money-Back" CTA button bumps the user to the top, not the opt in

---

Thanks dude! Not sure how I missed that.

---

All my bets are on the second angle you put out -> "Do This, and Never Feel Arthritis and Joint Pain Again?"

This just feels a lot more 1-on-1, conversational, direct etc. and a lot more persuasive.

Let us know how it goes Franky!

---

Hey Shishev!

Thanks for your response and glad to see you on this thread. I always enjoy your valuable input!

It's definitely my favorite angle of the two. So far it's outperforming the other angle both in opt-in rate and conversion rate. (Still too early to tell.)

Opt-in rates so far:
Best Foods Funnel: 4%
Do this, Never Feel... Funnel: 6%


One thing that I did notice is CTR on my google ads is a lot higher on the "best foods funnel." Which is giving me higher relevancy and cheaper clicks when compared to the "Do this, Never Feel... Funnel." Seems like people are overall interested in the food angle more. However, the opt-in rate shows there's not as much intent behind those clicks.

Still early days though. I will keep running at least for another week still.

---

Update on this...


Lead Opt-in rates:
01. Best Foods Funnel: 3.2%
02. Do this, Never Feel... Funnel: 5.12%

Opt in rates have leveled off. So it's safe to say opt in rates on "Do this" funnel is better. But, ofcourse leads isn't my end goal. So let's see how this tranlates in revenue...


Sales:
01. Best Foods Funnel: 9 @ $34 cost per sale.
02. Do this, Never Feel: 5 @ $46 cost per sale.

At first glance it looks like my best foods funnel is winning. However when I dig into my campaign KW's on google ads, it looks like "Do this" funnel has a single KW that is a lot more profitable than "Best Foods" funnel. Four out of 5 sales came from a single KW @$25 each...nice.

Gives me confidence that if I started optimizing this campaign in google ads, it would out perform campaign 01.

However, I feel like I should spend a lot more before I can be 100% certain. I don't want to start optimizing campaigns until I have a lot more data.

Since I'm breakeven at the moment, I feel comfortable ramping up my budget to get data in a bit faster.

Another posibility is that both these campaigns will appeal to different KW's. So there is a chance I'll end up keeping both campaigns running with different KW's. Not really a tactic I've used before but I don't see any harm in doing so?

Any thoughts on this?

---

This can happen for sure. I'm not running adwords right now, but when I was, this was a standard thing to happen. Some KWs worked well with one LP&angle, while different KWs worked better with a different angle. And on top of this, there were KWs that performed well with both LPs... or more, depending on what I was running at the moment.

It was the most obvious when running KWs that were directly related to the angle on the LP. For example, if I was advertising some kind of a discount, the clicks had to lead to an actual discounted offer, otherwise it bombed. This is a very obvious example of course, but you get the idea

So definitely try to test this too.

---

I'm a professional Copywriter/CRO expert so here is some automatic advice:


For the CTA:

"Yes! Please Give Me Pain Relief NOW"

Or

"Yes! Help Me With My Pain Relief NOW"

----

Also can test some Norton and McAfee security tabs under the CTAs.

---

Home > Technical & Creative Skills >