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Pick apart this angle (9)

04-14-2016 11:53 PM #1 exclusif (Member)
Pick apart this angle!

Need some input on this angle I wrote. It's performing alright, but not as well as I'd hoped. Should be noted that there's a picture of the girl mentioned below the prizes which wouldn't display due to a bug in my screen capture tool. Dynamic variables also aren't showing. Any ideas as to what could be holding it back? Text quantity? Overacting as by caurmen's definition?


Edit: Added a better capture of the lander

04-15-2016 12:50 AM #2 johnaff (AMC Alumnus)

I LOVE the innovation. Great stuff. Keep it up and you'll be super successful. Here are my ideas

1.Test fonts. I would test using whatever font Apple uses for notification messages. Im not sure if they use the exact font you use. If you use Apples notification font, I think people will believe it more.

2. I would test getting rid of the whole part about Li Wei. When I was reading the ad, I almost thought it was going to be something against child labor or something.

3. I would test putting up a picture of some happy asian factory workers. Something like this


4. I would test a stronger call to action. Maybe use a button that looks like an apple button, or a johnson box.

5. I would test instead of saying '4minutes 2 seconds' to say 'Time Left: 4minutes 2 seconds'


I hope that helps! If you end up applying these tweaks, PM me if they help increase the ROI.

JC

04-15-2016 01:00 AM #3 shishev (Moderator)

Why not include a relevant, big headline in there? "Here's how Li Wei's touching story will put a brand new iPhone 6S in your pocket" (bad example, you can do better for sure). You have a countdown, no doubting that, but what is its purpose? It doesn't seem clear unless you go through all of the copy.

Have you perhaps tried a reworded variation, one that's a bit more...picturesque/vivid? The story is interesting, but it doesn't seem to drag me in too much, nor does it draw any images in my head, if that makes sense. Might be something that's worth testing.

04-15-2016 01:00 AM #4 webdev (Member)

That's a cool angel.
- You defiantly need to add dynamic variable, Attention {model} user:
- Also your first paragrapgh ends with a "?" but in-fact its a statement and not a question.
- And I don't know what assemble ratio means? Do you mean time?
- Replace "as a result won's yearly productivity competition!" with "as a result she won this year's productivity competition"...I don't know, does that flow better?

Sometimes it's good to tell them they are a WINNER in the first 2 lines of you angel. and than proceed to tell them why they won. In your case you tell them they won something in your 3rd paragraph , and some user might not make it that far.

04-15-2016 11:08 AM #5 exclusif (Member)

Quote Originally Posted by johnaff View Post
I LOVE the innovation. Great stuff. Keep it up and you'll be super successful. Here are my ideas

1.Test fonts. I would test using whatever font Apple uses for notification messages. Im not sure if they use the exact font you use. If you use Apples notification font, I think people will believe it more.

2. I would test getting rid of the whole part about Li Wei. When I was reading the ad, I almost thought it was going to be something against child labor or something.

3. I would test putting up a picture of some happy asian factory workers. Something like this


4. I would test a stronger call to action. Maybe use a button that looks like an apple button, or a johnson box.

5. I would test instead of saying '4minutes 2 seconds' to say 'Time Left: 4minutes 2 seconds'


I hope that helps! If you end up applying these tweaks, PM me if they help increase the ROI.

JC
Thanks man.

I added her specific age in there in fact, because of comments about child labor from an offer owner. Might have to rethink that.
There're actually apple buttons and a picture of a happy factory worker already , it just didnt show in the cut off screenshot. Added a better one. Your picture is pretty neat though, I might try it. Although that many happy Apple factory workers could seem implausible

Thanks for your input, I'll let you know!

04-15-2016 11:16 AM #6 exclusif (Member)

Quote Originally Posted by shishev View Post
Why not include a relevant, big headline in there? "Here's how Li Wei's touching story will put a brand new iPhone 6S in your pocket" (bad example, you can do better for sure). You have a countdown, no doubting that, but what is its purpose? It doesn't seem clear unless you go through all of the copy.

Have you perhaps tried a reworded variation, one that's a bit more...picturesque/vivid? The story is interesting, but it doesn't seem to drag me in too much, nor does it draw any images in my head, if that makes sense. Might be something that's worth testing.
I split tested a big headline that went something like "The unlikely story of your {model}", and it performed worse. But I should test more for sure. Good call about the countdown. Accidentally posted an older version of the lander, I actually moved it down before and it performed better.

I have rewritten it a few times, but could definitely work more on the wording, especially the middle part is a bit unfocused. Thanks!

04-15-2016 11:25 AM #7 exclusif (Member)

Quote Originally Posted by webdev View Post
That's a cool angel.
- You defiantly need to add dynamic variable, Attention {model} user:
- Also your first paragrapgh ends with a "?" but in-fact its a statement and not a question.
- And I don't know what assemble ratio means? Do you mean time?
- Replace "as a result won's yearly productivity competition!" with "as a result she won this year's productivity competition"...I don't know, does that flow better?

Sometimes it's good to tell them they are a WINNER in the first 2 lines of you angel. and than proceed to tell them why they won. In your case you tell them they won something in your 3rd paragraph , and some user might not make it that far.
Some of your comments are due to the dynamics not showing, but they're quite a few of them in reality.

I hear you about informing them about being the winner earlier. I guess I wanted to reach the... semi-cynical people with a little more substance first. I'll try mixing it up a bit. Thanks.

04-15-2016 11:43 AM #8 ebaskin (Member)

Think like the user on the other end:

I am tired, stressed out and haven't got laid in months. I want to watch my favorite series (game of thrones) on a streaming site. I log in and get this popup. now, I watched all the other 4 previous seasons so I'm familiar with the usual casino, adult and sweepstake landers. In fact, because a lead is a lead, I already signed up for a few sweepstakes in the past because you never know, maybe this time microsoft was really giving away iphones for free, right?

So I start reading the first line or two to find out wtf this is and if I can safely close it. "did you know that your device was assembled by a..." and you lost me. I couldn't care less. what's in it for me? You have to be more agressive and grab me by the balls if you want my attention.

Also, you try to theme it like apple. In the US? better do some research that angle ist totally played out.

It would very much surprise me if you're making any money with it. Sorry to sound harsh but you should never underestimate what it takes to play in competitive verticals.

One tip I can give you is try not to completely innovate like this. rather find out what is working and then find a way to package it in a unique angle.

I know this is not what you want to hear. It seems a little like you fell in love with this angle and are trying to make it profitable with little things like device callouts and headline fonts but those are really the bottom 5% of things that make a difference and you should focus on those things only after you're doing some serious volume already, if at all. Think of me like the harsh voice of truth and justice that tells you rather what you NEED to hear to see success in this.

04-15-2016 02:29 PM #9 exclusif (Member)

Great first post man. Thanks for giving your input, I appreciate the honesty, really.

The reason I still bother with this angle at all is because in some tier 3 geo's it performs better than most landers I've tried. I try a lot of stuff though. But hey, I'm not profitable yet so I definitely need to step it up. Speaking of which, better get to it.

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